Everyone isn’t a “brain” (you’ll know this term if you were a devoted fan of Daria, like I was), but some people want to look the part, and for those people, I have provided some advice that can make you look like you belong to Mensa…or at least appear to be slightly under qualified to join.
- Listen to classical music.
- Play chess (if you don’t know how, just borrow the rules of checkers, it’s less intelligent game cousin).
- Eat exotic fruits (lychee or dragon fruit). Eating exotic foods makes you look worldly.
- Drive a hybrid (a Prius or Smart car is preferred).
- Read anything about Darwinism or any other scientific theories (put a nice copy of the book cover over your edition of Classical Music for Dummies).
- Wear glasses (you can order a non-prescription pair here).
- Don’t speak, unless it’s necessary, and if you do, try to give short, indirect responses. The less you speak, the more knowledgeable you will appear. Giving indirect responses doesn’t allow people to know exactly what you think.
- Wear sweater vests and khakis as often as possible.
Now that you have the tips to look smart, go on and use them! Show everyone how brilliant you
are look!! For good measure, consider wearing penny loafers. With the pennies in them, of course–you don’t wanna look stupid.
Just so you know, I’m a Pepsi courter. I dig regular Pepsi, and on occasion partake in some Cherry Pepsi goodness. It’s not that I dislike Coke, but my taste buds seem to write more love letters to Pepsi than Coke. What’s a girl to do?
After buying my mom some mini-Cokes on her last visit in the USA (it’s a staple in our house; Coke in glass bottles for mama jé, and mini-Pepsis for moi), since the store I went to didn’t happen to have them in the glass bottles (her highness’s preference), I opted to get the baby Cokes in a can. I get laughed at for drinking tiny Pepsis, but I do it because I’m trying to become more conscious of my sugar intake, plus a few years back I was a soda junkie, and I don’t want to go down that road again. Also, I just don’t seem to desire a twelve ounce serving anymore; eight is just fine (though now it’s seven and a half since these soda bastards cut back, I mean, c’mon, give us back the extra half ounce Coke and Pepsi!).
Anyway, I took the opportunity to compare each mini-cola product. Since my camera wasn’t able to pick up the nutrition labels of each soda, here’s a little chart of the two pops I made:
While baby Pepsi has more calories and a gram more sugar, it beats mini Coke in the sodium department. Mini Coke owns baby Pepsi in the calorie department, and narrowly on carbs and sugar.
So, the question is, does this effect how you view the two cola kings of the US? Will you switch from one brand to another based on these facts? Probably not. Sodas aren’t the chia seeds of beverages, so just go with what tastes good, and hope the high fructose corn syrup and caramel dyes don’t kill you first.
Thanks to Jackass Letters for this great written piece of hilarity. I do agree that mushrooms are a real turn off when they get slimy. Eeek!
I’m with this guy, but aren’t there currently bigger fish to fry? Watch the video above for my full commentary on this topic.
Chris D’Elia discusses the mystery of rappers laughing.
Dov Davidoff (lots of alliteration, eh?) compares love to drugs, and discusses his take on crimes of passion.
From the lips of Karl Lagerfeld via an interview with Metro, an insult to Russian men! I’ve never met a Russian man before, but now I’m not so inclined to after old Karl’s comment. Oh Karl, please, never sugar coat ANYTHING!
Thanks to Michael K at Dlisted for delivering the story in his own special way
Hey there cheap ass! Since that time of year is here, yet again, the one where love takes a back seat to materialism, I want to suggest some nice gifts that’ll suit your wallet. No one should have to spend a fortune on a day that’s not even a real holiday. Wouldn’t you agree? I mean, really, if I don’t receive a diamond tennis bracelet, flowers, and a box of chocolates, does that mean our relationship isn’t healthy? Of course it doesn’t! It just means you’re saving that money you would’ve spent on Valentine’s Day presents, to buy shots at our local bar for St. Patty’s Day! See, I know how to be reasonable.
For those of you that insist on expressing your love via your credit card, here are ten suggestions that should stop the overdraft fees:
- Instead of having a romantic dinner at a nice restaurant, go through your weekly batch of news flyers with coupons from fast food restaurants, pick one, and go there! Nothing says ‘I love you’ like two burgers for the price of one, and large fries at half the price!
- Bake a heart-shaped cake with your lover’s name on it, and a free drawing of your genitals/genitalia. Don’t have a heart-shaped cake pan? No worries! Just bake in a circular pan, and cut that cake into a heart the best way you can…or cut it into the shape of some genitals/genitalia.
- For the ladies: A pair of vibrating nipple clamps.
- For the fellas: A box of micro condoms (let’s be real–you’ll NEVER be able to wear a magnum!).
- Red thongs with a heart pattern.
- A homemade card with glitter. All you need is some construction paper, something to write with (preferably markers or crayons), a pair of safety scissors (because you’re not that careful), and ten minutes. If you’re able to find some heart-shaped confetti, then go for that too!
- Six pack of toilet paper. What? We ALL have to wipe our asses, so why not give a gift that you know your sweetie will use? Every time they flush, they’ll think of you
- Economy sized bottle of mouthwash. If you’re gonna kiss, make sure that mouth is disease and stank free!
- For the ladies: a red and/or pink dog collar, since your significant other already calls you their bitch anyway.
- For the fellas: a shock collar. No explanation needed.
Happy Our-Love-Is-Determined-By-The-Cost-And-Quality-Of-What-You-Buy-Me Day!
Brought to you by @HaHAWhitePPL on Twitter. Follow this account for some lewd comedy from a twisted White perspective. With a motto like “Fuck bitches, get bacon.”, what else should we expect?
I want to acknowledge what being too nice will get a person. Sometimes you’re expected to amuse people, to stroke their egos and give them a boost of morale. However, in our efforts to be nice and not labeled as assholes, we have to tell white lies in order to skirt around people’s feelings. The following three questions are those you have to say YES or NO too immediately, or you will be looked at as some sort of heartless, child eating ogre.
- Wanna see a picture of my kids?
- I invited [insert name(s) here] to lunch with us–do you mind?
- Would you like to buy some Girl Scout cookies?
1. How awkward would it be to tell someone you could give a rat’s ass less about seeing a picture of their spawn, despite the fact that they’ve told you so many interesting (not really) stories about them. You would be outcast for refusing such a simple request to let a proud parent show off the fruit of their loins.
2. I’ve had the “pre-approved invite without my approval” thing happen more than once, and it truly rubs me the wrong way. If I say “No, I don’t want anyone else ruining the time we’re supposed to be spending together; why in the hell did you go behind my back like that? Am I not enough for you?” it would make me sound insecure and selfish.
3. You have no problem supporting a good cause, but maybe you just don’t have the cash to buy that box of Thin Mints you gorge on annually this year. This is true for other organizations (who always seem to post themselves in front of Walmart), who secretly shame you for not donating a dollar or two to their cause. Maybe you’re saving that dollar for something off the dollar menu! Did these people ever think of that? Yes, I have enough to donate to the children who need smartphones fund, but I’ve already planned to spend that scratch on something more worthwhile–cotton balls!
There are other questions like this, but at the moment I can’t think of any more (blame it on my lazy brain). If you have anymore examples, please reply to this post with them! I’d love to see and respond to them