Red is a Whore Color

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Sorry in advance to all you red lovers, but apparently, you’re a whore.  Yup.  Probably a dirty one too.

When I  was around twelve, I distinctly remember my mother telling me, after I eyed a bottle of her red nail polish, that “Red is a whore color”.  At that time, I wasn’t educated in whore studies, but the way my mother said whore let me know that it wasn’t something I should aspire to be, let alone imitate, even through my fingernails.

For ages, even now, I can’t stand the color red.  The only red things I own currently, were given to me (by my mom, coincidentally–no, I’m not a whore, how dare you!), or was something I had to buy in that hue because there was no other alternative at the time.  My distaste for the color red runs deep, and I find myself ashamed when I see a woman wearing red lipstick, because my mother’s words keep replaying in my mind, like a dysfunctional tape recording.  

I’m surprised I eat red foods, and buy red things for my children.  I surely don’t think they’re whores.  

It’s not all shades of red I’m against, exactly.  I can accept burgundy, crimson, brick and maroon…but cherry red, scarlet, fire engine red…gives me nausea.  And just RED, plain old red, gives me emotional hives.  

At this point, you probably want to know if I think red is a whore color.  No, I don’t.  That’s ridiculous.  Most whores I’ve ever known seem to take to black.  I guess whoring requires an incognito persona.    

Looking back on that situation, I was in the pre-stages of puberty, and my mother probably felt the best way to keep me from dancing on the city line of skank town was to say something that would deter me from ever imagining it.  She meant well, in her own way, so I don’t hold it against her, but I do wonder what my life would be like if I didn’t have such a stance of discrimination against one of the three primary colors.  

I’ll never know.

You CAN Cook, You’re Just Lazy, or Something

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I’ve met a few people who claim they can’t cook, but I think that way of thinking is just bull[censored] unless there’s a medical reason keeping you from doing so.

Let’s face it: people seem to want things fast and easy, because they’re [censored] lazy or not interested enough to pull something off that requires some energy and more than five minutes of their time.

If you burn food, it’s probably because you weren’t paying attention, or you’re clueless about what temperatures to cook certain foods at.  If it’s undercooked, same deal.  Not only is temperature important, but so is timing, so remember that.  As long as there are cook books, online recipe archives, and directions on food packaging, how in the [censored] blazes can you not cook?

If when you say cook, you mean, make something taste like Martha Stewart made it, than that’s something entirely different.  No one is born a master [censored] chef, and to be a good [censored] cook, you have to [censored] work at it, like most things in life.

Basically, if you put your mind to it, and chill the [censored] out, you’ll be able to make something worth shoving in your food hole.  No more excuses!  Start cooking and stop making [censored] excuses.  Start off with something easy, like a grilled cheese sammich.  For something that doesn’t require a stove, try something you can bake, like cookies.  Cookies are simple, so if you screw that up, then do yourself and your loved ones a favor, and invest in some cooking classes.  I mean it.  No one should go through life not knowing how to make at least four things from scratch.

Oh, and for you sexist pigs out there: cooking is not just for women!  If you have two hands, a functional brain, two legs,  the ability to read on at least a seventh grade level, plus you can do basic math, then guess [censored] what?  You can kiss my ass cook!

LOL of the Week

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Thank you CNN for proving to us on April 17, 2012, that all Americans are indeed fat and love junk food.  Seriously people?  A death threat against Twinkies gets more hits than the current oil price fiasco?  This is hilarious and sad.  I’m weeping and chuckling for my country right now.